It's been a month that I was diagnosed as cyclothimic, two weeks on antidepressant and lithium and almost two since my first full blown hypomanic episode.
It's been one week since I've made one of the dumbest things I've ever made: I've cut my arm with a scissor because I was thinking I was behemoth (wtf?) and my body needed a little more red color.
Four days since I've figured out that I haven't being myself for a long time, two days that if I'm being myself, I don't like me at all.
So many flaws... if I'm at normal mood (not happy neither sad) how could I've turned into something I don't like? When it happened?
It's so strange, it was a struck of sanity, or lucidity that came up and turned me into being myself one more time.
I don't feel sad, sometimes I think I'm in the middle of a hypomanic episode, but without all the good things like everlasting sexual drive, happiness beyond any circumstances, extreme energy that doesn't require any sleep and the list goes on and on.
The only things that's here is the energy, I'm working much more than before, getting more tired than before, eating less (that's actually good, I think), Having an improved mood, well, being "myself"I think.
The problem is that I'm too prone to do shit, talk shit, being silly and lots of things that aren't smart right now.
It's sad, because if I'm being myself finally, how in the hell I could end up being like this?
I thought I liked myself at all, but's not what's happening right now.
I'm so immature, and I used to like it.
It's been twelve hours since I've figured that I'll carry scars on my right arm.
It's been two hours since I've decided to change myself into something I like.
What do I like?
I like myself (?) but without the flaws I've spotted. Christ, what a friggin' ride have been.
So many ups and downs, tears shed because of nothing but sadness.
I do like myself, I just need to learn when being myself. Can't be every time, I must be ten thousand personas everyday. One for home, one while driving, one on work, one for myself. Hell, can't we just deal with our inner self issues, we have to be more than one person every day?
These are the flaws, I think. being one everywhere.
It's been some seconds that I've found that I'm proud of the path I'm roaming now.
Days to come must yet show how far I can go. Professionally, personally, emotionally.
And let just try to be something comprehensible and someone who people would like to stick around.