Fuck

I never thought I'd be able to tell someone

How much I suffer from mistakes when I wasn't even responsible for myself

Fucking dream of being like everyone else

But at the end of the day I was just craving more and more

I was so scared when my dad asked me to turn off the lights downstairs

But I was more scared of him so I did it anyway

People like me shouldn't be allowed to have kids

 

Every day the sunlight gets brighter and brighter

My eyes can't stand

 

Neither my body can take care of the absolute lack of real reason for existence

Give me what I want 

Give Give Give

 And I'll decline

I'm tired of doing easy stuff but I'm dead scared of difficulties in life

 

See, it's always about me

I'm the harbinger of sorrow and any way  everything I touch becomes disgrace.

I tried to raise and make your wishes perfect

Idiot being I am, didn't notice that your dream was to run away.

Doesn't matter, life is a cycle of months

I only feel bad after I pay all my bills

Then I have no money to keep running

I'm tired of poor decisions

Why can't I make a simple good one?

Once when I was a teenager I told myself I'd regret no more

It indeed worked

But I should've wired my brain to make good choices and act less impulsively

But that's just a joke

a good joke

a bad joke

a joke anyway

I've gave up long long ago

Why the fucking hell I'm still afraid

I remember the last time

when I felt the CAT6e cable that I put on the tree

When I felt it

When I felt it

I felt fear

For a brief moment my reflexes came in

And I was a simple animal fighting for its life

It's so ridiculous though

my toes touched the floor and the following second the noose wasn't on my neck anymore.

But I wish

I really wish

They weren't

That's how you end up ashamed for being alive

My regret packet with myself doesn't work here

I can't stand the thinking I'd see him today

I couldn't when I was younger 

Should I say sorry? 

Fuck me dead I wish I could fix this shit so badly

Maybe I would see your face a last time if I try again.

 

 

 Oh so much disgrace

it's so freaking hard to make you understand

truth be told I guess you'll never understand

I'm so ashamed 

Standing like a teenager, wishing that nothing ever happens

But I'm just another Joe

I won't change.

Every dream inside feels like a kid's one

I'm just too tired

Y'know, last week I wanted to die so badly

To be honest I still want 

But even this feels like another naïve dream.

Why everything seems so distant and shiny?
I don't even remember when was the last time I could look into sunlight without

my eyes hurt.

I'm just tossing away my time.

I don't create anything, I run from responsabilities

Inside home there's a box full of devices

All of them I can fix

But there's no more pleasure on it.

Inside home there's all my childhood dreams

And all I can do is continue loving them

But they bring no pleasure.

Pleasure is like a distant dream, one which I only get close behind a glass.

No real emotions

Am I lost?

 

So

 All the little things I have to learn

About you

About us

I wonder

Does you notice

The sky I paint 

So your world is more welcoming?

 

 You are all the lies hidden in plain sight

Now you're my truth

The effort to live another day

Just to see you smile

That's not right

I thrive with love

You lifted the curtains

And the world once grotesque and scary

Suddenly becomes livable again.

 

---

How

To say

I love you

Without saying

Without my grace

If you choose pain 

I'd be the knife

If you choose happiness 

I'd be the bridge

If you choose death

I'd be waiting for you 

In afterlife

If you choose a family

I'd be the provider

If you choose to be alone

I'd respect you

 

I'll warm your winter nights

I'll make you laugh in your depression

I'll fight your fear for you

I'll hold your hand

I'll be there to take away your tears

 

  Por tempos procurei

Insisti em achar

Mas nada vem fora de seu tempo.

Sou viciado em alegria, em momentos alegres

Aqueles minutos de paz onde meu sorriso existe

Onde minha alegria é eterna.

Quando se acaba esse pequeno aeon

Dentro de mim só encontro perguntas

Nenhuma resposta

Seria crise da minha idade?

Angst existencial?

Ou puramente um vício químico em alegria

Em sorrir?

Deveria durar o dia inteiro, uma sensação boa, uma sensação de conforto

Porém apenas dúvidas sobre o caminho que trilho

Fadiga para encarar minha realidade 

A busca incessante por mais prazer.

Outra risada

Outro amor

Amor qual não quero esperar

Mas ao mesmo tempo de ter medo de escorregar e deixar escapar

Tenho preguiça de trazer pra perto de mim.

Talvez seria melhor ficar sozinho.

Talvez seria melhor tantas coisas.

Queria um simples auxílio.

Mas não vou obrigar ninguém a se encaixar nos meus defeitos

Apenas pelo meu conforto.